one step forward, two steps back : a constant battle with confidence and self-consciousness

content warning : personal thoughts.

i will not lie, i facebook -stalk a lot of people. normally when they post pictures of things they’ve been doing, like going to africa or chile, i get curious and a little jealous of their (financial) ability to travel around the world on their own with ease.i want to be able to do a lot of things on my own, especially travel. i haven’t been to many places, but i was lucky enough to visit the UK during my freshman year of college. while it was only one week, it was definitely a week i remembered thanks to all the pictures i took.

I find that when i look through other people’s facebook profiles, i find myself wondering if other people look at mine and feel the same way. i don’t post a lot of things, but when i do, i wonder if they think that i’m lucky that i get to do this or that. not that i care, but i just want to know. sometimes i feel like i’m the only person who doesn’t like the life they have. the only person who wishes she had more. i’m in a tight spot right now with life, and with the job market now, nothing is getting easier. in addition, living with your parents who have very strict rules regardless of what age you are does not help either. the transition from partying every night at school to coming home and not drinking every night has been tough (fucking, #firstworldproblems).

i am aware that i compare myself to a lot of people and i get jealous very easily of the freedom others have over me. and while that’s probably the dumbest thing i could do, i can’t help but do it. i get to a point where i just sit in front of my computer for hours on end, scrolling through different people’s profiles and pictures, just wishing i could do a fraction of the things they get to do.

as long as i can remember, i’ve never been content with the life i have. i’ve never been truly happy with what i’ve been given. even in kindergarten i wanted to be someone else. i wanted to look like everyone else. i wanted to be like everyone else. i wanted to have blonde hair instead of brown hair and i wanted to have green eyes instead of brown. and now, many years later, i’ve gained more confidence and accepted the fact that i am the weirdest person i know, but i still can’t help but ask myself if i’d like myself more if i was more “normal.”

i think one day, i will be able to completely love myself and be totally accepting of everything about me, but until then i will continue to battle with self-consciousness in the hopes that i will come out victorious.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: