Monthly Archives: June 2014

one step forward, two steps back : a constant battle with confidence and self-consciousness

content warning : personal thoughts.

i will not lie, i facebook -stalk a lot of people. normally when they post pictures of things they’ve been doing, like going to africa or chile, i get curious and a little jealous of their (financial) ability to travel around the world on their own with ease.i want to be able to do a lot of things on my own, especially travel. i haven’t been to many places, but i was lucky enough to visit the UK during my freshman year of college. while it was only one week, it was definitely a week i remembered thanks to all the pictures i took.

I find that when i look through other people’s facebook profiles, i find myself wondering if other people look at mine and feel the same way. i don’t post a lot of things, but when i do, i wonder if they think that i’m lucky that i get to do this or that. not that i care, but i just want to know. sometimes i feel like i’m the only person who doesn’t like the life they have. the only person who wishes she had more. i’m in a tight spot right now with life, and with the job market now, nothing is getting easier. in addition, living with your parents who have very strict rules regardless of what age you are does not help either. the transition from partying every night at school to coming home and not drinking every night has been tough (fucking, #firstworldproblems).

i am aware that i compare myself to a lot of people and i get jealous very easily of the freedom others have over me. and while that’s probably the dumbest thing i could do, i can’t help but do it. i get to a point where i just sit in front of my computer for hours on end, scrolling through different people’s profiles and pictures, just wishing i could do a fraction of the things they get to do.

as long as i can remember, i’ve never been content with the life i have. i’ve never been truly happy with what i’ve been given. even in kindergarten i wanted to be someone else. i wanted to look like everyone else. i wanted to be like everyone else. i wanted to have blonde hair instead of brown hair and i wanted to have green eyes instead of brown. and now, many years later, i’ve gained more confidence and accepted the fact that i am the weirdest person i know, but i still can’t help but ask myself if i’d like myself more if i was more “normal.”

i think one day, i will be able to completely love myself and be totally accepting of everything about me, but until then i will continue to battle with self-consciousness in the hopes that i will come out victorious.



what a guy. 

mo’ money mo’ problems

like this one. And I for one, do not feel like paying any more money to these already filthy rich companies. I still have student loan debt to pay off ! And if I need money to pay for a faster internet connection so that I can find a job, how am I going to get anywhere ?

We need to start voting smarter people into office because I can’t handle paying more for a slower internet connection than the people in Estonia. Dear Government, GET IT TOGETHER.


money is the root of all evil

but it’s paper 

I’ve been out of a job for some time now and I’m currently waiting to hear back from two different job opportunities. I should be thrilled, but honestly I’m scared. Other classmates of mine have already finished paying off their college debt, and I haven’t even made my first payment. That’s normal, right ? Is a 20-something living with their parents is allowed to have a free pass at least for a little bit ? I get worried about money a lot. I want it, but I don’t want it because it will ruin my life (I may or may not like to spend my money on things I don’t need), but I need it because I’m in debt and I don’t want to have a bad credit score. And I need a good credit score so I can move out. I need to be an adult, but first I need money.

1 step forward, 5 steps back

  • goes to college, loses touch with “friends”
  • majors in business, folds clothes for summer jobs
  • graduates college, can’t qualify for a “real” job

I’m a firm believer in karma, but I can’t recall what I’ve done recently to feel so much like a failure.