number three.

there was something you said last night. something about holding memories closer to your heart than the person in those memories. i feel that now. i don’t personally feel that. i can feel it coming from you.

there’s a tiredness to you that i’m starting to see happen more and more everyday. it’s not a lack of energy. more like you’re losing interest overall. i can understand what that’s like. you’re just tired. you’ve outgrown this and there’s a comfort level that you are at now that i have not yet reached. but i’m not mad about it. it’s not unfair. that’s just the way life goes. you needed more time and i didn’t need anymore time. i always apologize for feeling like i forced you to do something you never wanted to be a part of. and you say, “no. i wanted this.”

maybe we’re more alike than i think we are. maybe we do have more in common. not so much the stupid little things like what kind of shows we watch or music we listen to, but down to what we’re like as people. how we react to situations. how we deal with problems or events. that’s where the similarities are. that “feeling” you had back in 2013, i completely understand that now. it’s very valid. you just had a really shitty way of explaining it. but this one, this one might not take me that long to comprehend. i’m almost halfway there.


just another personal post.

I’m incredibly sorry (to the very few people who probably read anything i post) but here comes another personal post. i’ve been trying to live a positive life but that’s very hard to do when you’re in an environment drowned in negativity. 

i’m still living at home and struggling to get a job and struggling even more to stay positive since i keep getting shut down from jobs because of a lack of experience (which no one has the time of day to give me, by the way). and recently, i was in a bad argument with one of my siblings which has now resorted to us not speaking to each other. to be completely honest, i am okay with it…for now. i know that later on i will want to go back to being “friends” with them, but at this point in time there is no way that i can. 

i am so frustrated and confused right now that i don’t even know what else to say. it seems like every time i try to do something, i am always at fault. i could be doing nothing, and i will still be at fault. and this has happened not only at home but outside with people i considered to be “friends.” i really don’t know what else i should do and the only thing i can think of is to keep to myself. to just be quiet and not say anything. so i think i will do that from now on. i became someone who was too outspoken, too “dramatic,” so i’ve decided to just keep all of my opinions and thoughts (good or bad) to myself. i will no longer have a say or an opinion about what i want or what i think is right because every time i try to say something, i am always found at fault. 

thank you to anyone who read this but also i’m sorry that you even had to read it. i’m running out of blogs or social media to vent and bitch about my life so i need to hide here on wordpress. my sincerest apologies. 

stay positive. 

27 People Confess To The “Fattest Thing” They’ve Ever Done

#28 – The way my family eats bacon is by putting some sugar on it. Second semester of my senior year of college and senioritis was hitting me HARD. So I made a pound of bacon, didn’t offer it to anyone even though there were other people in the apartment, sat in my bed and ate the whole thing while watching Once Upon A Time all alone. I fell asleep a bit after that.

I’m sorry in advance

this blog is turning into less of the blog i initially intended and is now more of a place for me to just express whatever i’m feeling. i know reading people’s feelings is really fucking boring too. it’s horrible. who cares about what kind of day you had or what happened to you that day that made you think about your life. it doesn’t matter.

but i do just need to get it out there sometimes because i have nowhere else to project any of my frustrations. it’s hard enough to live life, and not being able to tell people about it is even more annoying.

i’m going to try and keep these posts to a minimum, but for anyone who does read this and cares enough about it, i apologize if it’s not what you’re interested in.

one step forward, two steps back : a constant battle with confidence and self-consciousness

content warning : personal thoughts.

i will not lie, i facebook -stalk a lot of people. normally when they post pictures of things they’ve been doing, like going to africa or chile, i get curious and a little jealous of their (financial) ability to travel around the world on their own with ease.i want to be able to do a lot of things on my own, especially travel. i haven’t been to many places, but i was lucky enough to visit the UK during my freshman year of college. while it was only one week, it was definitely a week i remembered thanks to all the pictures i took.

I find that when i look through other people’s facebook profiles, i find myself wondering if other people look at mine and feel the same way. i don’t post a lot of things, but when i do, i wonder if they think that i’m lucky that i get to do this or that. not that i care, but i just want to know. sometimes i feel like i’m the only person who doesn’t like the life they have. the only person who wishes she had more. i’m in a tight spot right now with life, and with the job market now, nothing is getting easier. in addition, living with your parents who have very strict rules regardless of what age you are does not help either. the transition from partying every night at school to coming home and not drinking every night has been tough (fucking, #firstworldproblems).

i am aware that i compare myself to a lot of people and i get jealous very easily of the freedom others have over me. and while that’s probably the dumbest thing i could do, i can’t help but do it. i get to a point where i just sit in front of my computer for hours on end, scrolling through different people’s profiles and pictures, just wishing i could do a fraction of the things they get to do.

as long as i can remember, i’ve never been content with the life i have. i’ve never been truly happy with what i’ve been given. even in kindergarten i wanted to be someone else. i wanted to look like everyone else. i wanted to be like everyone else. i wanted to have blonde hair instead of brown hair and i wanted to have green eyes instead of brown. and now, many years later, i’ve gained more confidence and accepted the fact that i am the weirdest person i know, but i still can’t help but ask myself if i’d like myself more if i was more “normal.”

i think one day, i will be able to completely love myself and be totally accepting of everything about me, but until then i will continue to battle with self-consciousness in the hopes that i will come out victorious.


what a guy. 

mo’ money mo’ problems

like this one. And I for one, do not feel like paying any more money to these already filthy rich companies. I still have student loan debt to pay off ! And if I need money to pay for a faster internet connection so that I can find a job, how am I going to get anywhere ?

We need to start voting smarter people into office because I can’t handle paying more for a slower internet connection than the people in Estonia. Dear Government, GET IT TOGETHER.


money is the root of all evil

but it’s paper 

I’ve been out of a job for some time now and I’m currently waiting to hear back from two different job opportunities. I should be thrilled, but honestly I’m scared. Other classmates of mine have already finished paying off their college debt, and I haven’t even made my first payment. That’s normal, right ? Is a 20-something living with their parents is allowed to have a free pass at least for a little bit ? I get worried about money a lot. I want it, but I don’t want it because it will ruin my life (I may or may not like to spend my money on things I don’t need), but I need it because I’m in debt and I don’t want to have a bad credit score. And I need a good credit score so I can move out. I need to be an adult, but first I need money.

1 step forward, 5 steps back

  • goes to college, loses touch with “friends”
  • majors in business, folds clothes for summer jobs
  • graduates college, can’t qualify for a “real” job

I’m a firm believer in karma, but I can’t recall what I’ve done recently to feel so much like a failure.